And how this tells me there are still a lot of people hurting out there
As an abuse survivor and successful narcissist recovery coach, I write what I know. Ever since I worked up the courage all those years ago to publish my first piece detailing my experience with abuse at the hands of a diagnosed narcissist (who was also my husband and father of my children), my voice has been the tool that has helped me heal.
Though I’d always been a writer since I was a young girl, I lost my ability to express myself through the written word during the time I spent with two husbands over nearly three decades who did everything in their power to silence me in order to keep me under their control. …
How gender factors into the damage
Abuse of any kind is by no means experienced only by women. Men are victims of abuse as well, both physical and non-physical. Narcissistic abuse is also not gender-specific since women are capable of being narcissists.
However, the fact remains that the majority of abusers are men (including those who abuse other men) and the majority of abuse victims are women. In addition, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more prevalent in men, meaning that women are more likely to be a victim of a narcissist instead of a narcissist themselves.
Without at all discounting the very real injury that men experience as victims of narcissistic abuse, this piece is focused on women who are victims since gender plays a role in the effects and outcome. …
And why it’s a red flag for future abuse
I hadn’t known him for more than a month. The ink on the divorce papers from my first husband wasn’t even dry. I was vulnerable because of pain from my past that I’d yet to work through. I was a newly single mom to a young son and had moved to a new city to start over.
And at the age of 29, I was empty, which fed my desperation to rid myself of that emptiness.
Then he stepped in. Well, it was more like he whooshed in. …
And what not to do
Having traveled that long and difficult road of healing after a narcissist shattered my life as I knew it, I know exactly what it takes to make it to the other side, claim your space in the light, and leave the darkness behind for good.
But the road isn’t an easy one to take. In fact, I wouldn’t even call it a road. More like a rollercoaster in a washing machine set on spin. …
Is it love or abuse disguised as love?
Readers please note: this story includes descriptions of domestic abuse. If you need help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
When abuse is physical, the sign that the relationship isn’t a healthy one is pretty clear cut.
But what if a person you love never lays a hand on you? What if you don’t have a black eye or bruises to show for your pain? If there is no physical abuse in the relationship, does that mean it’s not abusive?
And even if we know something’s wrong, even when we’re hurting at the hands of someone we love, if we can’t put our finger on it or put into words what we’re feeling then chances are we will stay in the relationship longer than we should, even at the expense of our own well-being. …
The difficult road to emotional freedom
A woman returns to her abuser an average of seven times. NDV Hotline
There is a multitude of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships, including trauma bonding, financial dependency, fear of retaliation by a partner, religious beliefs, or holding onto illusions that an abuser might change.
Yet even when a victim ends up leaving and staying away from an abuser, this in no way means they have left this darkness behind. In fact, it is often the case that victims of abuse either continue to find themselves in other relationships that are abusive, they self-medicate (with alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) …
At least according to my ex, a diagnosed narcissist
Every mother knows the intimate struggle of feeling like we never measure up.
No matter how hard we try, there is an inherent feeling within that somehow, in some way, we are fucking up our children and doing the whole parenthood thing wrong.
The burden begins right at birth, when along with the baby a big ol’ heavy bag of guilt is placed in our arms. Upon leaving our hospital beds, we head straight for the witness chair. Pointed fingers surround us, including the ones on our hand.
My own insecurity about becoming a parent began the moment the nurse wheeled me out of the hospital with my first baby in my grasp. After helping me into the passenger seat of the car and helping my then-husband buckle our wee infant into his new car seat, the nurse said goodbye. …
Not who you wanted them to be
A woman returns to her abuser an average of seven times. Though there is a multitude of reasons victims go back, one of the most common is the belief that their abuser has changed, and an inability or unwillingness to see the truth as it is.
I know this place of being well. I wore the rose-colored glasses when it came to my abusive ex. When I left him the first time, I was ultimately doomed to go back because of my impotence to see him as he really was.
I clung to the investment I made early on to love him until death do us part. I plunged into our life together, endowed him with my trust, had his babies, wore our vows on my ring finger, and trusted him to take care of me in return. …
We know our abusers better than anyone
There is an unbelievable feeling of powerlessness that any victim feels within an abusive relationship.
Through tactics such as gaslighting, love-bombing, and intermittent reinforcement (being trained to accept breadcrumbs), victims exist in a parallel world where they question their sanity, their perception of reality, and even their very existence.
For an abuser to maintain control in the relationship, they must actively create an environment in which they hold the power while convincing their victim they have none. One of the ways to accomplish this is to separate a victim from their intuition.
Make them believe that they are unable to see the truth, even when it’s right in front of them. …
If it’s not you, then it’s time to take your power back
For the majority of my life, I had no idea I wasn’t in control of it.
Having left the home of an emotionally abusive father at the age of eighteen, then diving headfirst into abusive marriage number one and subsequently abusive marriage number two before the ink on the divorce papers was even dry, I thought I was the content creator of my life.
It was only after having my life implode did I realize this was not the case.
Throughout my teenage years and into my twenties, thirties, and early forties, I followed the road of complacency that my own mother had followed, totally oblivious to the idea that there was another way. …
