Those tough but necessary lessons we all need to learn

We all know the saying: The truth will set you free.

When it comes to healing after narcissistic abuse, however, the subtitle should read: But first, it’s going to hurt like hell.

The reason is due to the uncomfortable and painful lessons that loving a narcissist brings. Like when we’re little and learn that Santa isn’t real, our bubble of naivety and innocence is burst to bits as the truth steams toward us like a runaway train…with us still on the tracks.

Since narcissists use such tools as gaslighting and projection (known as the “crazy-makers” for those of us on…

At least in his words

There is a scene toward the end of the movie Private Benjamin where the woman played by Goldie Hawn discovers a necklace that isn’t hers in the bed of her fiancé, played ever so arrogantly by Armand Assante. The necklace belongs to their young housekeeper, a woman who when confronted starts to cry and swears that it fell off while she was making the couple’s bed.

Because of previous red flags in the relationship, Goldie’s character, Judy, angrily confronts her soon-to-be husband, Henri, of cheating. …

The devil doesn’t need an advocate

Random commenter on Medium referring to my belief that narcissists should be held accountable for their acts of cognizant abuse:

I feel sorry for you that you’re so cynical and don’t believe everyone is capable of change. All people are born innocent and are good at their core.

I totally agree with a small part of this person’s comment. But in context with the bigger point? No.

Just no.

First, no need to ever feel sorry for me. Pity never got me anywhere, certainly not self-pity. When I was in the deep dark hole of despair, otherwise known as narcissistic…

And other ironies that came with being married to a narcissist

A traffic jam when you’re already late

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

It’s meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?

Alanis Morissette

He got the bumper sticker from the men’s Christian group, Promise Keepers, whose mission was to help men live with integrity. On a blue background, it said: I LOVE MY WIFE with a red heart in place of the word love. …

Behind closed doors with Jekyll and Hyde

You’re my soulmate. You’ve made me a better man. The Universe brought us together. You are everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. There is no one like you. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Will you marry me? Will you stay with me forever? No one will ever love you like I will…

You have to stop living in the past. You’re unstable. You’ve changed and not for the better. No other man would put up with you. You’re lucky to have me. You’re too emotional. Why can’t you be more like [insert name here]? What is wrong…

The importance of recognizing the person in the mirror

If you are a survivor of any type of abuse, but especially if that abuse came at the hands of a narcissist, then you know what a beast the healing journey is. The reason it’s so difficult is because of the path we must take to find ourselves again after having lost ourselves within the confines of an abusive relationship. And yet this is also the most crucial part of our healing journey if we are to be successful.

An abusive relationship relies on an imbalance of power. An abuser must maintain control, or the illusion of control, in order…

Secrets of an introvert

People explain things to me.

In the absence of my spoken words, some people — mainly men — feel the need to fill up the space with their own. And not just any words, but words that illustrate, demonstrate, and elucidate whatever the topic at hand might be. Whether or not I ask for explanations or annotated breakdowns, whether or not I’m even interested, some people just cannot stop talking.

Being an active listener somehow sends the message to other more talkative people that I don’t understand, hence the need for them to explain further, breaking down the details as…

And why your emotional freedom depends on it

One of the main reasons people stay in relationships with narcissists or go back to them for more abuse is due to an inability or refusal to see them for who they really are. We who are not narcissists tend to project our own goodness and kindness onto the rest of the world, which leads us to believe that everyone is inherently good and no one would actually hurt someone else on purpose.

Unfortunately, this is the belief that gets us into a whole lot of trouble when it comes to narcissists and is the reason we end up putting…

Think your narcissistic ex has found true love with someone else? Think again.

One of the most painful parts of healing after a narcissist broke your heart (and in many cases, shattered your entire world) is in the discovery of how easily they are able to move on. No matter the time you spent with them — years, decades — no matter how much you invested in the relationship, no matter if you had children, nothing hurts more than watching a narcissistic ex swap you out with someone else as if they’re playing a simple game of musical chairs.

And when that music stopped, you were the one left without a place to…

Where there’s smoke…

Since the age of sixteen, I was always a normal-pap-smear type of girl. Once I met my first husband at the age of twenty, I would never have a normal anything for our entire time together as a couple.

Because of my young age and over-the-top naivety in pretty much everything, but especially sex and my own body, I never did the math or dug deeper into why every annual exam always ended up being something rather than the nothings I was used to in the past. …

Suzanna Quintana

Abuse Recovery Coach Specializing in Narcissistic Abuse * Top Medium writer * B.A. History * B.A. Women & Gender Studies *

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