Trying to Heal From Heartbreak? Don’t Fight Your Feelings For the One Who Hurt You.
The biggest mistake women make when trying to recover from an abusive/toxic relationship is spending enormous amounts of their energy fighting against the love they still feel for their ex.
The problem lies in the simple math of recovery. When we are hurting badly by the one whom we loved and devoted ourselves to, there is only a finite amount of strength that we have available to pull from. Escaping from an abusive/toxic relationship is already a hardship, one that mirrors the effect of having a hurricane rip through your home and leaves you to pick up the pieces of a life you once lived but is now decimated. Afterward, there is only so much time in the day to clean up, assess, and figure out what the next step is.
Trying to recover and heal from an unhealthy relationship requires no less of our time and energy. If we spend those moments, however, trying to fight our feelings for our ex (especially if we’ve only recently left) then we are taking precious time away from ourselves and redirecting it to the one who hurt us in the first place.
With all the women I’ve worked with, I hear the same story: I don’t know what to do because I still love him!
This single statement explains why a woman returns to her abuser an average of seven times. The problem is that we confuse our love for the one who hurt us for a sign that we’re meant to go back. In addition, we pile the guilt on ourselves because we still love a person who we know full well has hurt us intentionally, and we’re riddled with shame because what does that say about us if we have feelings for our own abuser?
It comes down to a matter of energy. If you want to heal and move forward and away from a life of pain and suffering, you must fully commit to your own well-being and stop extending your energy in any other direction than to yourself. This means to drop the guilt of still being in love with the one who hurt you, and instead focus on the reality of the future, which promises that time will take care of that love you feel, and it will dissipate entirely on its own. Like a plant that’s not watered — any love will lose its breath and wilt underneath the light of your new life until it disappears altogether.
So go ahead and feel that love for your ex. Let that love just sit and be inside of you, while you keep yourself occupied with putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to move forward and into a life that you always dreamed of and that you deserve. Don’t fight what you feel because fighting saps your strength, and when we are recovering from such pain we need all the strength we can get.
And remind yourself every time you start feeling that pull of love that tempts you to move backward in any sense at all: this love you feel is the same you felt while you were in the relationship, and it didn’t cause you any less pain. In fact, it probably caused you to suffer even more because your love was not returned as it should be. The hard fact is that love doesn’t hide itself within abuse, so any love you’re feeling post-escape is only a reflection of our desperate attempt to keep the illusion of the relationship we left alive.
Accept your feelings for your ex, know that they won’t last forever, and turn your attention toward the one who really needs all the love you can give at this point: Yourself.
And then take that first step in the direction of forward and get on your way to a better life.
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